The Wheels on the Bus Go Round, Round, Round...

Today's topic is: how do you get from place to place in Israel? (Short answer: you don't. Trust me, you're much better off staying put.)

For those of you unfamiliar with Israeli society, I should point out that the primary method of getting from place to place is by walking, and not necessarily on the sidewalk, either. Israeli pedestrians have been sighted in middle of the street, sprawled across the hoods of taxis, anywhere - they have even been sighted walking on the surface of Mars. Walking is a fine idea if you plan on only going to local destinations. If you're going more than just a few blocks, though, you have several options:

OPTION #1: You can take a taxi. This option is the best method for learning how to curse fluently in Hebrew, Arabic, and a number of other languages. It also provides the immense benefit of leaving you at the mercy of the taxi driver, who - if he thinks you're a newcomer - may attempt to charge you 500 shekel per oxygen molecule you breathe (which is actually quite a bargain, considering how little oxygen some of the cabs contain). So you have to try not to get ripped off. I've already learned that the average trip can be made for 20 shekel (about $5) or less. Some people consider taxis to be a relatively expensive option, but I prefer a more positive outlook: where else can you be driven somewhere in a chauffeured Mercedes for less than five bucks? Definitely not in New York, I can tell you that. New York cabbies expect five bucks just for the privilege of not spitting on you.

OPTION #2: You can get a "tus-tus", which is the local name for a moped. Don't ask me how on earth "tus-tus" translates to "moped" - I'm a journalist, not a linguist, for crying out loud. (Personally, I wonder why they have to call it a "tus-tus" - shouldn't one "tus" be enough?) A moped is a great, economical way of getting around, with the added bonus that you get to wear a helmet that makes you look like an invading space alien from planet Zork. The only drawback of driving a moped is that the busses are WAY bigger than you are and travel at roughly the speed of a New York taxicab (which is 175 miles per hour on the sidewalk), so if you inadvertently get in the way of a bus, you will involuntarily help manufacture a new speed bump at that spot. Which brings us to our next option:

OPTION #3: You can take a bus. This seems to be the most popular option among most people, presumably because it's such a great opportunity to shove yourself, cattle-car style, into a group of random strangers, some of whom you would never have anything to do with voluntarily. You see all kinds of passengers on busses: Chareidim, Chilonim, tourists, Arabs, the occasional head of cattle, etc. A bus fare is 5-and-a-half shekel (roughly $1.38), for which you get a little receipt which you are required by law to keep until your dying day. I was told that if I don't, I run the risk that the Bus Police will burst into my dira in the middle of the night with vicious dogs, guns drawn, and take our pet turtle hostage.

Now, any one of these three options will get you where you want to go. The question is, which one is right for you? Well, we can rule the moped out right off the bat. Most people look silly on mopeds (although that probably wouldn't stop me from riding one if I had the opportunity - it sure doesn't stop anyone else), not to mention that insurance costs a fortune these days. So that leaves the cab or bus.

Busses are the cheaper option, but are ideal only if you have a LOT of time to kill, waiting at the bus stop. That's one lesson Egged seems to have learned from the MTA: promise busses every 10-20 minutes, but have them only come once every hour or two, especially if it's a bus that a lot of people really need. In fact, the more popular a bus is, the less likely it is to come.

Many Israelis tell me the bus system is usually punctual. I guess perhaps it's just my bad luck, then. I personally waited at a bus stop last week for the popular number 2 bus for over an hour. During that time, I watched more than 70 busses go by, and not a single one of them was a number 2 (I eventually gave up and took a cab). That got me thinking: you know how the Israeli security people claim that they actually thwart over %80 of terror attacks? Well, I'm betting that most of the time, they accomplish that by having busses never come, causing the terrorists to get so angry and frustrated that they go attempt to blow up useless targets instead, such as law firms.

Getting a cab is much easier. Taxis are about as plentiful in Israel as skunks are in the Catskill Mountains, except they often smell worse. The procedure for hailing a cab is quite simple: when you see a white car with a little yellow taxi sign on the roof drive by, you raise your hand, then immediately bring it down sharply with tremendous force on the head of anyone who tries to get into the cab ahead of you. Depending on your destination, the driver will either offer you a flat rate, or he will turn on the meter. Or if he's really cunning, he'll try both - like I said before, the trick is not to let yourself get ripped off.

At least that's what everyone tells me: I, on the other hand, have the bargaining skills of a slab of Formica, and usually just pay whatever I'm told to. But if the trip was beyond walking distance, then it's a small price to pay for the convenience of getting where I wanted to go in one piece. After all, I don't really want to end up walking on the surface of Mars, do I?