What Were You Thinking?

It's 2:30 in the morning, and I can't sleep. You know why? Not because of perfectly normal reasons like jet lag, insomnia, or wondering if there's a big vicious cockroach hiding in the closet waiting until I fall asleep so it can consume my entire food supply undisturbed. No, I can't sleep because someone is being inconsiderate, and making a ton of noise outside my window.

Normally, under such circumstances, the correct procedure would be to stick one's head out the window and yell "SHEKET!!!" ("QUIET!!!") with enough force to cause an avalanche. But in this case, that's not an option, because the culprit is not human. The culprit is a rooster.

Now, I am aware that roosters are supposed to crow at dawn. I even make a bracha every morning to that effect. But it's TWO THIRTY IN THE MORNING, for crying out loud. It's not even close to dawn, but that doesn't stop our intrepid little neighbor. He crows at any random time of the day or night, be it 12:00, 2:00, 3:30, etc. Probably what happened is someone bought the rooster one of those digital watches that tells you what time it is all around the world, and the rooster - unable to figure out how to work it properly - keeps thinking he's behind schedule. Personally, I'm strongly tempted to reprogram the rooster using an electric chainsaw at this point. But that would probably violate some kind of zoning law or something.

At times like this, I wonder: what on earth is the rooster's owner thinking?! Doesn't he hear how night after night, innocent civilians have to endure his rooster's antics? Why does he even HAVE a rooster in today's day and age? Perhaps no one has explained to him that the electronic alarm clock has been invented. Or perhaps he doesn't like electronic alarm clocks. After all, I know I hate mine - I'm surprised mine still has the courage to ring every morning after all of my half-asleep attempts to destroy it (let's just say it's a good thing I left my blowtorch at home). Why doesn't he duct-tape the rooster's beak shut, or at least keep it indoors?

The answer is simple: he just doesn't think. People never think. The world is full of people who don't begin to realize the consequences of their actions. Such as the people who consistently call me when it's 9 PM in the states, despite the fact that simple math would tell them that it's 3 AM here in Israel. The only reason why I don't favor having such people fined a minimum of $50,000 per offense for such cases is that most of the time, I'm up anyway, listening to the rooster. Besides, these people are not evil; they're just not thinking.

Or how about the crack squad of professional "contractors" who installed the tub/shower in my dira - they clearly weren't thinking either. People have asked me to write about the shower conditions in the dira, and believe me they are not pleasant. I don't mean cleanliness-wise, I mean safety-wise. Consider the following chilling facts:

CHILLING FACT #1: The tub is made out of porcelain-enameled cast iron.

CHILLING FACT #2: Cast iron is hard. VERY hard.

CHILLING FACT #3: The tub does not have those "anti-slip" treads like most American bathtubs do.

CHILLING FACT #4: The Australian bird-eating spider is over 6 centimeters wide and 16 centimeters long - almost the size of a human hand, and - whoops! Sorry! Wrong list of chilling facts! I'll try not to let that happen again...

CHILLING FACT #5: Porcelain enamel is EXTREMELY slippery when wet.

So what does the genius installing the tub do? He installs it at an angle, with the floor sloping AWAY from the drain. Ha ha! What fun! Anyone who has ever been to a water park and seen how a waterslide works will surely appreciate the wacky hijinks involved in trying to stand on a slippery surface - ankle-deep in a non-draining puddle of water (making it even slipperier) - and take a shower without slipping and having your brains surgically remove themselves from your head without the benefit of an anesthetic. How exciting!

And then, of course, there is the best example of someone who is not considerate enough to think of others: me. If you have read this far, then I have just wasted several precious minutes of your life, making you listen to me ramble and complain incessantly about seemingly trivial matters, when I could be writing about something more useful, like National Avocado Appreciation Week. What's wrong with me? Doesn't it occur to me that maybe people have more important things to do than reading my blog? And why do I keep asking people to please write something in the comments section - don't I realize that people are busy with more important things, like forwarding e-mail jokes? Don't I ever think?!

Of course I don't - I'm too busy hoping the rooster won't notice me sharpening the chainsaw.